


Inside Our Heads

by spacegirlstuff



Series: Supernatural Season 15 Codas [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Can someone pls restrain me..., Canonical Character Death, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel in the Empty (Supernatural), Confused Castiel (Supernatural), Dead Castiel (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester Thinks Castiel is Dead, Dialogue Heavy, Grieving Dean Winchester, M/M, My 5th coda for this episode, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Season/Series 15, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, Spoilers for Episode: s15e18 Despair, im begging you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:21:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27526045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacegirlstuff/pseuds/spacegirlstuff
Summary: ‘I’m sorry, Cas.’Dean whimpered.“There is nothing to apologize for,” Castiel said gently.‘I should have said something, I should have done something. I should have held onto you, I should have fought-’“You fought for the whole world, Dean.”, Castiel cut him off with a tender voice, “You don’t have to fight for me too.”‘I need you, man.’The hunter admitted in a small voice.“You have always had me,” Cas said, “And you always will.”
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Supernatural Season 15 Codas [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2003515
Comments: 2
Kudos: 63





	Inside Our Heads

**Author's Note:**

> So.... I lied when I said that I was not going to write anymore about that episode.  
> Aaaaahhhhhhh, I am sorry.  
> I wrote this because [auroraborealisjpg](/users/auroraborealisjpg/) gave me the idea that it was Cas actually praying back to Dean instead of Cas' voice being a voice in Deans head and I just had to do it...  
> Moving on, You can read my four other codas for 15x18 [The Truth](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27432304), [The One Who was Left Behind](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27450283), [When It All Crashes Down](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27472678)and [Words We Left Unsaid](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27490564) before this one because that is the sequence in which all the events take place.  
>  **Warning: Spoilers for 15x18!!!**

_ ‘I love you, Cas.’ _

Dean’s voice echoed in his brain. It was the seventeenth time he had heard dean saying those words ever since he had woken up in the empty. Each time a bit more louder than before. Castiel was not sure how he could still hear Dean’s prayers, but he was not complaining. 

The hunter’s voice was the only thing that helped Castiel whenever the shadows surrounded him. The hunters’ words were the only thing that helped Castiel whenever the Shadow tortured him. The hunter’s warmth was the only thing that helped Castiel whenever he thought that he was running out of hope.

_ ‘I miss you.’  _ Dean said, his voice slightly trembling. _ ‘I miss you so damn much.’ _

“I miss you too,” Castiel said, guilt filling his bones. He hated this. He hated the way Dean was hurting, he hated the way dean was crying, he hated the way Dean was calling out for him. 

_ ‘Great, so now I can hear you too?’  _ Dean thought, ‘ _ I am definitely going insane.’ _

Puzzled, Castiel stood up hurriedly, looking around to see nothing but darkness surround him. 

“Are you messing with me?” He shouted. 

When no reply came, Castiel furrowed his eyebrows. 

_ What’s happening?  _ The angel thought, massaging his temples with his fingers.

_ ‘Oh nothing much,’ _ Dean’s voice came, filled with sarcasm, ‘ _ I just lost the love of my life less than a day ago and now I am positive that I can hear him in my brain and I yelled at Sammy and Jack just keeps on crying and well… just another Thursday for me.’ _

“This is not happening,” Castiel said out loud, “You are not hearing Dean, and he is not hearing you. This is just the Empty messing with you.”

_ ‘Yeah sure,’  _ Dean said, ‘ _ Nice explanation.’ _

Castiel was freaking out, his hands becoming clammy and his heartbeat speeding up. He tried to convince himself that it was not real, but deep down, he knew that it was actually Dean. He could recognize the hunter anywhere. There was no chance that he was imagining the rich and deep voice of the hunter or the warmth that he was feeling inside of him. 

“Deep breaths, Dean,” Castiel said, completely focusing on the small flame that was burning inside of him, hardly visible, flickering in and out of existence.

_ ‘As if that will help,’  _ the flame glows brighter.

Castiel smiled at the hunter’s reply. “Cmon, do it for me.”

The angel could clearly see the frustrated look on the hunter’s face.

_ ‘You are just a voice in my head.’  _ Dean argued, but Castiel could feel the hunter relax slightly.

Deciding to keep the information that he was actually not  _ ‘just a voice’  _ away from the hunter, he willed his grace to flow into the beacon of light, strengthening it until the flame was steady. Castiel could faintly sense Dean’s emotions but the connection was still weak. He needed the hunter to relax for the bond to strengthen.

“What are you going to do now, Dean?” Castiel asked.

_ ‘Cry myself to death, probably.’  _ The hunter answered.

Castiel’s heart broke a little bit more, “What would Castiel want you to do?” he asked instead.

_ ‘I don’t know,’ _ Dean admitted with defeat, ‘ _ I don’t know what he would want me to do. Right now it feels like I didn’t even know the guy properly!’ _

Hearing the hunter sound so defeated, Castiel hated himself for leaving all over again. He wanted to tell the hunter that he was fine, that he was just stuck in the empty, that he would get out of here somehow. But this was not about him. Castiel knew that if Dean found out that they could communicate and that Castiel could still be saved, Dean would prioritize that over everything else and that could not happen, not with Chuck still out there. 

“You were the only person who actually knew Castiel,” the angel replied with a steady voice, hoping to provide some comfort to the hunter, “Now think again. What would Cas want you to do?”

After a pause, Dean replied, ‘ _ He would want me to keep on fighting. Cas would want me to save the world.’ _

The angel smiled. “So, what are you going to do now?”

_ ‘I’m going to fight.’  _ Dean decided, ‘ _ I’m gonna do it for Cas. I’m gonna make that stupid son-of-a-bitch’s sacrifice worth something.’ _

Castiel fell a bit more for the hunter. After a long pause, when Cas had given up hope of getting back a reply, Dean said, ‘ _ I love you, my angel.’ _

_ “I love you too, Dean.”  _

_ ~~~ _

The next time Dean contacted Castiel, it was unintentional. The angel had started to get comfortable with the warm presence of their connection inside him, often using it to feel what the hunter felt. But he had tried to give the hunter his own privacy too, trying his best not to pry. Most of the time, when the hunter thought about him, Dean would feel a rush of emotions, the strongest one being regret. 

But this time, all the hunter felt was grief and sorrow, so strong that Castiel didn’t know how the hunter was able to breathe.

“This is not the time for a breakdown, Dean,” Castiel reached out through their bond, wincing at the harshness.

_ ‘Well, thanks for pointing out the obvious, Cas!’  _ Dean thought back sarcastically.

“I am serious, Dean,” Castiel sighed.

Growing slightly worried when there was no reply, Castiel let his grace flow into the bond, sorting out through the hunter’s feelings to rise to the front of Dean’s mind. He was not sure what was happening, but it felt like Dean was talking to someone. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. 

_ ‘What was taking Jack so long?’  _ Dean thought. 

He knew that he should get out of the hunter’s brain, but Castiel was too selfish. He wanted to know if the rest of his family was alive, if everyone else was safe, if Sam had been able to save all those hunters that Billie was killing. Castiel wanted more. And so he stayed there, silently occupying a corner, his presence easily ignorable, barely doing anything other than just observing the hunter’s thoughts, trying his best to grasp what was going on. 

The pain that was laced with the slight irritation that the hunter was feeling made Castiel wince slightly. Someone was definitely testing Dean’s patience, and Castiel was certain that it was Sam. 

_ ‘Because I hate that he loved me,’ _ the hunters’ voices were loud in Castiel’s brain, making the angel wince, ‘ _ I hate that he thought that I was worthy of his devotion, his care, his love. I hate that he thought that I was worthy of him.’ _

“Dean,” Castiel whispered, “Please don’t think that way.”

_ ‘Do you know what loving me cost him? _ ’ Dean continued, ‘ _ Loving me cost him his grace! Loving me cost him his wings! Loving me cost him his life!’ _

_ “It was my decision,” _ Castiel tried to reassure the hunter, hating the guilt that was clouding the hunter’s senses.

_ ‘Well, it was a dumbass decision,’  _ Dean replied.

“I prefer the word devoting.” Castiel quoted himself from a long time ago, “Less dumb, less ass.”

_ That was not even what you said!  _ Dean immediately argued back. The angel felt a bit better when the storm that was brewing up died down considerably.

_ ‘I’m going to check on Jack’  _ Dean said to someone.  _ ‘A simple shopping trip in an empty gas station shouldn’t take this long.’ _

“I’ll go with you,” Castiel said, eagerly. Even though he was confused at why the gas station was empty, knowing that Dean was trying to look out for Jack made the angel feel a rush of happiness.

_ ‘Ugh,’  _ Dean groaned, probably annoyed by Castiel’s enthusiasm, ‘ _ Were you always this annoying?’ _

Castiel laughed softly at the question, “I’m you, Dean,” He answered, feeling slightly guilty for lying, “Of course, I’m annoying.”

_ ‘Alright, that’s enough of you,’  _ The hunter grumbled, ‘ _ Feel free to shut up anytime now.’ _

Shaking his head with a fond smile on his face, Castiel followed Dean’s wishes, shutting up but holding onto the hunter’s consciousness. Trying to decipher the hunter’s emotions. 

After what seemed to be almost ten minutes, Dean thought to himself, sounding pretty pleased with himself, ‘ _ Now that went well.’ _

Even though the angel was unsure about what the hunter was talking about, he agreed. 

_ ‘How could you love me after everything I did?’  _ Dean asked suddenly, taking the angel by surprise, ‘ _ How could you love me after everything it cost you? How could you love me knowing that…’ _

Another wave of thoughts came forward, a voice shouting at the hunter.

_ You are too tainted for your own good. That’s why you corrupt everything you touch. It’s just what you are good at. _

The angel flinched when he realized that it was the hunters’ own voice screaming at him, voicing the stuff that the hunter usually kept buried.

“You are beautiful, not tainted.” Castiel said, “Everything you have ever held, you have done it with the utmost care, treating each and everything like it was the most precious thing you have ever seen.”

_ You are too damaged for your own good. That’s why you destroy everything you touch, It’s in your nature. _

“You are perfect, not damaged,” honesty laced with each word the angel spoke, “Nothing in creation has ever been as flawless as you. And it will never be. You are strong, you are brave, you are kind, you are everything I wish I was. You are everything I strive to be. You are everything I ever want to be.”

_ You are too dead for your own good. That’s why you kill everything you touch. It’s the only thing you know how to do. _

“You burn brighter than anything that I’ve ever seen, shining brighter than every star, always full of life.” Castiel reassured, “And every soul you have ever met, every person that you have ever rescued, it is all evidence of that. I am evidence of that.”

_ ‘I’m sorry, Cas.’  _ Dean whimpered.

“There is nothing to apologize for,” Castiel said gently. 

He wanted to wrap his arms around the hunter, protecting him from the world, protecting him from Chuck, protecting him from himself.

_ ‘I should have said something, I should have done something. I should have held onto you, I should have fought-’ _

“You fought for the whole world, Dean.”, Castiel cut him off with a tender voice, “You don’t have to fight for me too.”

_ ‘I may have fought for the whole world for love, but I failed to fight for my whole world, for my love, for you _ ,’ Dean sobbed, ‘ _ You are the only thing I ever want to fight for. You are the only thing worth fighting for, worth caring for, worth living for.’ _

A tear slipped out of the angel’s eye, “Then care for the world for me, fight for the world for me, love the world for me.”

_ ‘I need you, man.’  _ The hunter admitted in a small voice.

“You have always had me,” Cas said, “And you always will.”

‘ _ I love you, Cas. _ ’ The contentment the angel felt each time when Dean said those words was worth everything that Castiel had to endure. It was worth every pain and every sacrifice. It was worth the world, and Castiel would probably never believe that the hunter actually had said that to him.

“I love you too, Dean,” Castiel felt peaceful. Castiel felt content. Castiel felt happy.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry I couldn't post yesterday so today I'm doing a double update which is a continuation of this fic. Will be posting it in about an hour if not less so keep an eye out!!!  
> Okay honestly, writing from Cas' POV is really difficult because like making myself feel all that undying love and devotion... man I'm tired. Dean is much more easier. All that self-loathing and haltered and anger seems to flow through me so much more easily....  
> But i tried my best with this one... Hope you like it!!!  
> For more updates on what I'm writing and my posting schedule, follow my [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spacegirlstuff).  
> See you all in an hour!!!
> 
> The continuation of this ff has been posted. Please go and check out [Forever With You ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27527311)!!!


End file.
